Cowardice
by Ladyfnick
Summary: To: Onodera Ritsu From: Kohinata An I want to ask one of your co workers out on a date. So I think it's time we've dealt with our feelings like adults. To: Onodera Ritsu From: Kohinata An And I know for a fact that it's the end of your cycle at work so don't think you can use that as an excuse. Ritsu and An talk things through like adults. With Wine. Then Takano shows up.


To: Onodera Ritsu

From: Kohinata An

Received: 15:37

I want to ask one of your co workers out on a date. So I think it's time we've dealt with our feelings like adults.

To: Onodera Ritsu

From: Kohinata An

Received: 15:43

And I know for a fact that it's the end of your cycle at work so don't think you can use that as an excuse.

Ritsu typed out six different texts ranging from ' _what are you talking about? There's nothing for us to deal with'_ to _'What do you mean by "like adults"?'_ to _'WHAT NO. I REFUSE. WHICH ONE? NO. THEY'RE ALL INSANE. AND PROBABLY GAY'._

Eventually he settled on a simple 'Why don't you come over for dinner?' and then had a mild panic attack on the sofa.

Contrary to what it appeared, Ritsu and An had at one point been close friends before their parent's had dropped the wedding bomb on them just before their high school graduation. They had often played together as children and An had also been on exchange to America for the second half of high school, so she'd seen him at his worst post-first Takano crisis.

It had only been when their fathers, mostly Ritsu's, had expressed a hope that they would get married. Then everything had fallen apart, mostly because Ritsu had no interest his childhood friend, and An apparently had.

Ritsu had missed the easygoing friendship they had had as two lonely high school student in a foreign country.

So it was with great anticipation and great anxiety that Ritsu waited for her to arrive, ordering take-out because he was too frazzled to cook. Also because he was, regrettably, not much of a cook.

Due to their old friendship, Ritsu wasn't surprised in the slightest when An showed up promptly at five with three bottles of very nice wine.

"You don't have work tomorrow right?" She asked, uncorking one once they were settled on the couch.

"No, I have tomorrow off," Ritsu admitted. He _had_ planned on doing a bit of cleaning and a lot of sleeping. It looked like he'd only be getting one of those done.

An poured them each a glass- having magically found a set of wine glasses Ritsu had known he'd even owned- and pinned him down with a stare. "Ritsu, what are your feelings for me?"

Ritsu nearly dropped the very nice wine on the floor and spluttered helplessly. "An- I- you are... That is, I-"

She shook her head and said "Nevermind, I guess I was right to think you'd need to be drunk for this."

Ritsu frowned, feeling like he should be offended, but not sure about which part.

"Tell me about your new job," An suggested when Ritsu couldn't think of an appropriate response.

"It's very different from my old position," Ritsu started, feeling uncomfortable. It had been so long since they'd just had a normal conversation. "It has a much more hectic schedule."

"I noticed," An said wryly, and then added, looking a bit concerned, "Are you adjusting to it okay? You always look so tired. And you've lost weight."

"It's getting a bit easier, now that I know the basics. And It's just after the end of the cycle so I look a bit rougher than usual- I'm okay, I promise, An."

She gave him a disbelieving look and took a sip of wine. "I don't know if I believe you," she said, "And I don't know if I understand why you stayed when it's so stressful and you could transfer to a position more like your old one."

Ritsu struggled to explain his resistance to doing the very thing he'd sworn to do when he'd first transferred to Marukawa. "It would be giving up," He said hesitantly.

"Not if it's bad for your health, Ricchan!" An protested instantly.

"I left father's company because I wanted my work to be valued for _my name_ not my father's... And doing manga instead of novels feels more like I'm making my own name. Even if people are still gossiping about how I used my family name to get this position," He added sardonically and then added quickly at An's sharp look, "And I do really love my job! My favourite part of being an editor was always feeling like I'd helped make a thing that people loved.

"With manga I get that feeling at the end of every month, instead of every four months or so. It's really satisfying, even if it's draining."

An looked pensive. "If you enjoy it, then that's all that matters." She paused and asked hesitantly, "I was talking to your parents... they're wondering if you plan on going back to Onodera Publication ever. I do to."

Ritsu pursed his lips and took a large mouthful of wine for courage. An had been right: there was a bunch of stuff they needed to talk about and this was probably the easiest of them all. So he was going to do it Like an adult.

"No," He said, looking straight forward instead of at An, shoulders tight. "I've never wanted to run a company. I love interacting with authors directly and I wouldn't get to do that as a CEO. I never wanted that..." He glanced back at An. "Please don't tell him. I don't want to disappoint-"

"He doesn't want you to," An said fiercely, making Ritsu jump. "He knows you aren't suited to it- you're an _editor_ for heaven's sake. But he didn't want to hurt you by choosing someone else as a successor since he knew you thought he was going to pick you."

Ritsu blinked, stomach unknotting a bit. "Really?"

She smiled. "Yes. You really do need to talk to your parents, Ricchan," She added.

Ritsu couldn't help but make a face. Everytime he talked to either of them all he got was a lecture either about An and their marriage, or about how he really should call more often.

"I can't do the feelings thing yet," he said to An and calmly emptied his glass.

An wordlessly refilled both of their glasses.

"-and that is why Yukari is the worst," An concluded with finality.

"The worst," Ritsu agreed, going to pour them some more wine, only to discover that the first bottle was magically empty.

That probably meant it was feelings time.

"An you are really important to me," He said, impulsively grabbing one of her hands between both of his.

"You're important to me too, Ricchan," An said, smiling slightly. Ritsu got the feeling she was a bit less drunk than he was. She'd always held her liquor better than him.

"But I don't want to marry you. Because I'm gay," Ritsu said as plainly as he could and tensed, waiting for the bomb to hit.

"I know," She told him, "I kind of figured that out when I saw you with Takano. I had been wondering in high school when you were so sad about not saying goodbye to some guy when we went to America."

Ritsu deflated, feeling terrible. She had known for so long? "I'm sorry."

An smiled gently, eyes unhappy. "Me too. I loved you Ritsu, so at first I was really angry at you- Why didn't you just say something from the start when your father suggested the wedding?" She smacked him on the bicep.

"An-"

"Anyways," she continued, "I realized making you marry me wouldn't fix anything- especially after seeing how happy Takano made you. I'd be the worst kind of person to ruin that."

"I'm still sorry," Ritsu said, feeling his throat swell up a bit from guilt and tears, "I should have said something- I didn't want to disappoint you or your dad or my parents."

"You have to think about yourself more, Ricchan," An scolded, "But apology accepted."

"I missed you," Ritsu said, feeling amazed at how easily An forgave him. She had always been a bit amazing like that.

"I missed you too," An replied, "So don't push me out like that again!" She smacked him again.

"I don't plan on getting engaged to you again anytime soon," Ritsu pointed out wryly.

She snorted. "I'm going to marry that co worker of yours and have a bunch of adorable babies with him so I wouldn't agree anyways."

"Which one?" Ritsu asked carefully, praying it wasn't Kisa or Hatori.

"The smiley one," An said promptly, "My last boyfriend was too mopey, and my fiancé was a pain too."

"Hey!"

They were part way through bottle number two when An looked up sharply from the bottom of one of the neglected takeout containers, like she'd just remembered something.

"You care about Takano, right?" She asked.

Nearly spilling wine and rice on the sofa, Ritsu clumsily managed to rescue them both. He carefully didn't look at An.

"I mean I asked him to take care of you before, but... What are your feelings for him?"

Ritsu was drunk enough that he was comfortable with answering her, but Takano was just so damn infuriatingly confusing and tangled up in every emotion Ritsu had ever had that he could barely begin to explain it.

"Tell me about him," An suggested when it was clear Ritsu was at a loss for words yet again.

"He's so _annoying_ ," is what burst out of his mouth accidentally, so he hastily added, "I mean I'm probably no better with the mixed signals, but it's like he's got a split personality- one second he's hounding me about work stuff and telling me everything I do sucks, the next he's fussing over my health and telling me all sorts of embarrassing _things_ and I just- I _can't_ ," He punctuated this statement with a hearty swig of wine and then added, almost shyly, "But he bothers me because he cares _so much_ about the manga and he never asks more of anyone than what they can do and he's just pushing everyone to do their best all the time- which. That's good."

He looked down pensively at his woefully near-empty glass.

His relationship with Takano- Masamune, really, was baffling but it had developed to the point that he had to admit to himself that he really was in love with the exasperating bastard. He was terrified of that. Like a lot. He just didn't understand what Takano saw in him. He was hardly the painfully shy underclassman he'd been in high school. He hadn't changed for the better over the years- he had changed for the worse, taking all of his worst traits and losing all of his good ones and picking up other faults along the way. He was painfully aware of how much of a coward he was- it took An getting him tipsy to finally admit to her the painfully obvious fact that he was gay.

There was no way Takano would stay with him if he knew the grownup Onodera Ritsu in place of the high school one. At least this way he was still there. Though that would only last for so long. Eventually even stubborn Takano would find someone better.

Ritsu doubted he could ever forgive himself for what he was putting Takano through in the mean time.

They had just cracked the final bottle when An asked out of nowhere, "Is he good in bed?"

Ritsu dropped his empty glass on the floor, his jaw following behind it. "E-excuse me?!"

"Well I know you didn't sleep with him in high school, and given what you've said about him now..." An explained.

Ritsu casually didn't meet her gaze.

She stopped talking abruptly. "NO WAY," She shrieked, loud enough that Ritsu knew his neighbours would be having words with him later. "YOU DID NOT."

"Ah- An, it's getting late-"

"Where would you evern-? Oh right you went to his place that time..."

"Yes!" He agreed hurriedly. Bad enough that An was talking about sex with him; she didn't need to know about the library incident.

"How did his parents not notice?" An wondered aloud, looking pensive. Ritsu was rapidly getting more uncomfortable with the conversation. It seemed to be the trend of that evening.

"He lived alone," He muttered. An instantly adopted the 'poor little Takano' look. It was one Ritsu was too well acquainted with. Jerk didn't deserve it.

Nearing the end of the last glass Ritsu somehow found himself rambling about Takano again. Only he wasn't whining about him. Much. It was mostly flattering, anyways. He was drunk enough that it seemed like his mouth was running off before his thoughts, words just spilling haphazardly out of his mouth.

"-actually cares so much about making the artist product the best it can be and-"

"You should totally text him to tell him all of this," An interrupted five minutes in, pressing his phone into his hand. Ritsu got the feeling she was a bit less drunk than he was.

Distantly he knew this wasn't the best idea, but couldn't recall for the life of him why it wasn't.

They had sat on the floor at some point, so he leant back against the couch and flipped his phone open.

"What should I say?" He asked after drawing a blank for a long moment.

"Start with what you just told me," She suggested.

Ritsu nodded and carefully tapped out a message.

To: Takano Marasume

From: Onodera Ritsu

I really like how much you care about shoujo manga. You make everyone want to do their best work even if you're a jerk. Thank you

Ritsu frowned after it sent. That wasn't the only thing he'd said to An about Takano. He really didn't tell Takano how much he appreciated him. It was all Takano's fault though, making him so angry all the time he could barely think.

So he send a second one. And then another.

"Why aren't you together?" An asked while he was busy with text number five.

Ritsu's fingers stilled.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

She sighed, and touched his shoulder lightly. "Ricchan, it's obvious you love him. Don't even try denying it-" she added sternly when he opened his mouth "And though I don't know him well, it sounds like he cares about you a lot too. So why are you putting both of you through this?"

"I was engaged to you," he grumbled, pointedly not looking up and finishing the text.

"Nice try, I know that wasn't it," she responded and poked him in the cheek. "C'mon Ricchan, what's holding you back this time? You worry too much."

"I don't know why he does," he blurted.

"Does what?"

"Care about me. I mean it's been years since high school and we've both changed and ever since I met him again all I've done is cause trouble for him and piss him off and not listen to what he tells me and I'm not even remotely likeable okay? My only friends are my co-workers and you- and you only still like me because our parents made us get engaged. I'm neurotic and worry too much and can't work hard enough and I'm just not likeable!" He finished with a gasp and then folded in on himself.

For a long moment, An was silent. He could still feel the heavy weight of her concerned gaze on his back. He didn't think he deserved it.

Then she said, "I like you because you're you, Ricchan, not because of our parents. You're too hard on yourself." One of her hands gently ruffled his hair.

Ritsu didn't respond but uncurled to send another text.

An sighed yet again and scooted away to give him a bit of space.

After the eighth text, An gently pulled the phone out of his grasp.

"That's probably enough."

"wasn't finished," he grumbled, suddenly feeling a lot more tired than he had before.

"You can tell him tomorrow," she replied, tugging him upright and settling him on the couch properly.

"You should probably get some sleep. I'll take a cab home."

Ritsu flopped over sideways on the couch, fuzzily watching An tidy up a bit- throwing out the empty food containers, gathering up the empty wine bottles and glasses.

Abruptly, there as a loud knock at the door. He knew it was Takano, he had a distinctive knock. He frowned. How had he gotten so used to Takano being nosey that he knew what his knock sounded like. His life was _weird_.

"Onodera! I know you're in there! Open the door or I'll come in anyways!"

An raised an eyebrow at Ritsu. He nodded, figuring he might as well get whatever Takano wanted over with right away so he could go to sleep. He was _so_ sleepy.

She only got two steps towards the door before it swung open, revealing a shirtless Takano.

Wait why was he shirtless?

Ritsu frowned, dragging his eyes away from a chest far too nice for a work-a-holic manga editor like Takano, noticing he was also wearing pajama pants. Oh. He'd been asleep or heading to bed.

Ignoring An completely, Takano all but stomped up to Ritsu, hauling him upright.

"Was your phone stolen?" He demanded.

"No?" He said, grabbing Takano's forearms for balance. He felt dizzy.

"So it was you who texted me earlier?"

Ritus frowned, then nodded confidently.

And suddenly they were kissing. Ritsu groaned and leaned into it, sliding his hands up to Takano's shoulders. Takano was so nice and warm and sturdy in the room that felt like it was starting to spin.

He whined when Takano abruptly pushed him away.

"Have you been drinking?" He asked, eyes doing that annoyingly endearing- _annoying_ 'serious frowny thundercloud' thing.

Ritsu snorted and clumsily patted his face trying to smooth the creases out with his fingertips.

Takano grabbed his hand, and then the second one when he tried again.

"Ritsu," he said so very seriously, "How much have you had to drink?"

He considered the question, thinking hard.

"All of it," he concluded.

"Christ," Takano groaned, releasing his hands to cover his own face. Ritsu patted him on the head and then was distracted by how soft his hair was. Seriously how had he not noticed until now how soft it was?

Takano made a pained noise and stopped him from petting his hair.

Ritsu pouted and Takano made another pained noise.

"You should come back in the morning," An said, startling both of them. She had put her shoes back on and was holding her jacket and purse in one hand. She looked suspiciously sober.

"He's about five minutes away from conking out. Tuck him in and talk in the morning."

"You're the fiancée, shouldn't that be _your_ job?" Takano asked, sounding bitter.

"Ex-fiancée, actually," She said pleasantly and continued before he could get a word in, "But seriously, in the morning. Sit on him to keep him from running if necessary. I give you permission. As his ex-fiancée and childhood friend."

"'m goin' to bed," Ritsu decided, the conversation doing nothing but confuse him. Before he got farther than to his feet, two sets of hands caught him. Ritsu gave up, leaning into the hands and shutting his eyes.

"He really can't hold his liquor, can he?" He heard Takano ask, sounding amused.

"Yeah, remind me to tell you about the time in America in high school with the fraternity boys and the rooster. Help me put him to bed and then walk me to my cab, I think I have some things to tell you before I go."

Ritsu clumsily put on the pajamas handed to him and sighed in contentment when he was pressed onto blissfully clean sheets. He whined in protest when the hands left, but subsided when a mouth carefully grazed his forehead.

"Go to sleep, idiot."

He was out before they even got out the door.

Ritsu woke up in the morning in the depressingly unusual situation of actually being in his bed.

He frowned, keeping his eyes shut. Right, it was the end of the cycle.

He could already feel a headache beginning to form at his temples, his stomach turning uncomfortably. Why- oh right An. An and wine. Never a good combination.

Right, they had talked about things "like adults". How embarrassing.

Still, he felt like a weight had been lifted. Or that could be the feeling that he was about to throw up.

He scrambled out of bed, kicking at the tangling sheets, eyes slitted and threw himself at the toilet.

He'd just flushed and brushed his teeth when there was a knock at the door

It was Takano- he recognized the knock. How depressing.

But what did he want on Ritsu's day off? He hadn't forgotten any important paperwork had he?

The door opened- he must have forgotten to lock it and Takano let himself in.

"Ritsu," Takano said, his voice cutting through Ritsu's rambling thoughts like a hot knife through butter.

His hand touched his shoulder gently.

Abruptly he remembered the rest of what happened the night before. Coincidentally he also suddenly wanted to go hide under his bed for the rest of his life.

Had he _really_ drunk-texted Takano that many times? And An had _let_ him?

His stomach hurt.

"How are you feeling?" Takano asked. He crowded in closer and before he knew what was happening, Ritsu was closing the door behind him.

He looked up into Takano's eyes.

"I'm going to vomit again," He said, sounding more calm than he felt, then went to do that.

He spent a good five minutes hugging the toilet, not actually throwing up, just feeling awful and also sorry for himself. How was he going face Takano at work knowing he'd seen those stupid text messages?

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Takano carefully combed his sweaty hair off his forehead.

"You shouldn't drink so much, idiot," He chided, voice a gentle contradiction to his words.

Ritsu accepted the proffered glass of water and the painkillers with only minimal grumbling about how he was an adult and could choose to drink as much as he wanted in his free time.

"You're a lightweight and could have hurt yourself if An wasn't there," Takano corrected, sounding almost angry.

"I was drinking _because_ she was there," Ritsu grumbled and struggled to his feet, slapping away Takano's hands when he tried to help him up.

"Ritsu, I think we should talk about that," Takano said, voice taking on that oddly intimate but serious tone. Ritsu hated how much he liked it- it made him feel special, like it was a side of Takano that he only showed around him.

Resolutely ignoring both Takano and the blush creeping over his cheeks, Ritsu marched out to the kitchen.

"What's there to talk about?"

Ritsu flinched when Takano shoved him against the wall, arms on either side of his head trapping him there. It was a distressingly familiar position.

"You sent me these texts last night," Takano said, holding his cell phone in Ritsu's face. The screen was lit up, showing the record of Ritsu's embarrassment.

"Yes, I suppose I did..." He muttered, looking down and to the left.

Takano made an irritated noise like a cat having its tail run over with an office chair.

"Why are things always like pulling teeth with you, you idiot?" He said, mostly to himself.

"Do you love me?" He demanded, dropping his phone to grab Ritsu's chin, making him meet his gaze.

"Well- I- my feelings aren't exactly-"

"Just tell me to my face that you hate me if you don't love me," Takano demanded, face intent.

Ritsu all but crumpled, his expression breaking."It's not that-" He stammered.

"Then why can't you just say it?" Takano asked.

Maybe it was the tone, more defeated than demanding. Maybe it was the half-remembered conversation with An. Maybe he was just tired of being so confused.

Something in him broke.

"I just don't understand!" He said, covering his face when his eyes started to well up. "We're not the same as we were in high school, Takano! I don't- why do you even like me? I'm cowardly and couldn't even break up with my fiancée when I knew I'd never marry her and-"

He was abruptly cut off when Takano yanked him into a fierce hug, arms nearly engulfing his slighter frame.

"I love you because you're brave," Takano said, sounding more tender than Ritsu had ever heard him.

Ritsu tried to protest, but was muffled by Takano's thick sweater.

"You left a comfortable position because you wanted to prove yourself and then refused to quit even when you were thrown into a new one that wasn't like the old one at all and improved faster than anyone expected- if that isn't bravery, Ritsu, I don't know what is."

Sniffling, Ritsu pushed back a bit and grumbled, eyes downcast, "Why couldn't you have said that sooner?"

"Why didn't _you_ tell me what was holding you back, idiot?" Takano countered. They both ignored how ridiculously soft his expression was in conjunction with his words.

Now that the air was cleared between them, Ritsu felt much less tense. It was like all of their unspoken words and missed opportunities had finally just melted away. It was nice.

It was almost a bit anticlimactic, to be honest.

"Now what?" He couldn't help but ask, looking back up.

Takano regarded him seriously. "The next step is getting hitched. Let's go to Vegas."

They were both silent. Takano's face was impassive, Ritsu's eye was twitching.

"We're breaking up!" Ritsu all but shrieked.

Takano laughed so hard he fell over, dragging Ritsu with him.

Ritsu somehow ended up kissing him. Takano kissed back.

They, uh, didn't resurface for awhile.

 _And they lived happily ever after_. _Mostly._

To: Onodera Ritsu

From: Kohinata An

Received: 18:12

RITSU WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EVERYONE IN YOUR DEPARTMENT IS BLOODY GAY?! I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED! I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST!

Note: Originally posted on my AO3 account June 3, 2014


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